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Mediation and Language
Jan 03, 2022

“You’re Blocking Me”

A man tapped on my car window and said, in a gruff tone, “You’re blocking me.”


I immediately felt defensive. This was a threat to my identity as a kind, thoughtful and considerate human being. My knee jerk reaction was to think to myself, “I’m just trying to have a nice outdoor lunch with a friend. How dare you accuse me of doing something wrong!”


I had no intention of blocking his truck or impeding his hard work. I was not parked in front of any driveway. However, as I looked in the direction he was pointing, taking in the enormous construction dumpster and other construction equipment that I had previously not paid any attention, the reality was that my vehicle was, in fact, hemming his truck in.


Add to this the fact that I had already circled the block a couple different times looking for a precious parking spot. There was nowhere else in the nearby vicinity to park so I felt like I had no other viable options for moving my vehicle.


Fortunately, I’m a mediator with a regular meditation practice so I paused and took a deep, cleansing breath. The next thing he said was this, “I’m almost finished loading and then I need to move my truck through this area. Could you just give me a minute and then you can park here?” I immediately felt my body relax.


Let’s examine the difference between the two statements and their effectiveness:


The first statement: “You’re blocking me.” 


  • Accusatory – the other person raises her shield and prepares to fight back;
  • Focused on what the other person is doing; and
  • Does not include any specific request of the other person.


The second statement: “I’m almost finished loading and then I need to move my truck through this area. Could you just give me a minute and then you can park here?”


  • Non-accusatory – shields stay lowered;
  • Focuses on what the speaker needs; and 
  • Includes a clear, measurable request to which the other person has an opportunity to say “yes.”


How often do parties in conflict come to us with an analogous situation? They are stuck in a cycle of defending their good intentions against each other and feeling like they have no other options. As mediators, we can help the parties keep their shields lowered so they can connect with the valid needs and interests of each other for a chance to find an opportunity to say “yes.”

Managing Emotional Clients

By Colleen Byers • 06 Feb, 2024
Managing Emotional Clients Colleen L. Byers collaborated with fellow neuroscience geek and mediator, Chris Osborn, to deliver this month’s Expert Continuing Legal Education (CLE) Series sponsored by the North Carolina Bar Association. Colleen co-presented about the impact of trauma on clients in the legal system and shared some practical tools for managing difficult emotions within ourselves (as lawyers or as mediators) as well as with our clients. View the CLE, which includes 1 hour of Mental Health/Substance Abuse credit in North Carolina here .

How to Negotiate Around Impasse Through Brainstorming Options

By Colleen Byers • 31 Jan, 2024
You have been mediating and negotiating all day long. You are fully invested and can sometimes glimpse the fragile light at the end of the tunnel. Suddenly, all the momentum that has been slowly building all day seems to come to a screeching halt. How do you avoid crashing into an unbreakable impasse? First things first. Pause and take a deep breath. Then take another deep breath for good measure. Then get a sheet of paper and a pen. Along the left side of the paper, write the numbers 1 through 5. Now, with pen in hand, ask yourself these questions and write the responses next to numbers 1 through 5. What is the craziest idea I can think of to solve this problem? What is the second craziest idea I can think of to solve this problem? What is a variation of the other side’s idea that would work for me with an adjustment? What is another idea? What else might work? You have now generated five new possible ways to solve this problem that you can share with the other side to keep the negotiation moving forward and avoid running straight into an impasse. Let me give you a real-life example. My daughters were fighting over the most coveted seat on the couch. The older child asserted, “This is my spot. I always sit here.” The younger child claimed, “But I was here first today!” Unsurprisingly, their attempts to persuade the other to acquiesce were unsuccessful. They are not old enough to engage lawyers to determine who had the stronger legal claim to the coveted seat on the couch but they both came running to me pleading their respective cases in hopes that I would serve as the arbitrator. I declined to serve as an arbitrator but did put my mediator hat on. We all sat at the kitchen table with paper and pen to brainstorm possible solutions that would work for both of them. You may be wondering how I got my young children to do this. I told them that they could not watch any television until they found a solution to which they could both say yes. So down they sat with pen in hand. Using questions 1 through 5 above, as prompts, they generated the following ideas: Take turns – alternate days; Take turns – set a timer and then switch; Sit on top of each other; Build a fort on the couch for both of us. Then we went back through the list one by one, and I asked each child if they were a “yes” or a “no” for that particular idea. Here is what that looked like:
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