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The Role of Wonder
Colleen Byers • Sep 01, 2021

I Wonder Why

Do you ever dismiss someone’s belief because you know – beyond any shadow of a doubt - that it’s wrong?

 

Do you ever write someone off without wondering what forms the basis of their belief?

 

It’s easy to do. We are all moving in a million different directions. 

 

You see, I almost did that to our 6-year-old daughter. The topic was minor but if I dismiss her on minor things, will she feel safe enough to come to me about major things? Here’s what happened:

 

On the way to dropping her off for the first day of first grade, I asked the typical question,

 

“How are you feeling about the first day of school?” 

 

Part of her reply was to inform me that she's sitting all alone in the classroom. Because we had recently been to open house and I saw the desks arranged in clusters of three, I immediately responded,

 

"No, you're not, there are two other desks near you." She said, "those are kids from last year who are in 2nd grade now."

 

I couldn't understand how on earth she had drawn that conclusion. Rather than tell her she was absolutely wrong (old litigator habits die hard), I asked her what led her to think that.  She explained that, when we were in her classroom for open house, the two desks closest to her did not have bubbles on them like hers had.

 

"Oh!" I said (light bulb turning on), "those children must have already come to open house before we arrived, and they took their bubbles with them. You're not going to be sitting alone, sweetie."

 

I could have (and almost did) dismiss my daughter’s conclusion as completely without merit. As a litigator, I frequently dismissed things that clients and opposing counsel said because I was in possession of facts or evidence that clearly contradicted their narrative. As a mediator, I know that one of the most important ways I can provide value to the dispute resolution process is to wonder why someone is saying something or what leads them to draw a certain conclusion.

 

It is only when we are curious that we begin to scratch the surface of what is really going on underneath. It is only when we leave plenty of room for wonder that we can uncover the thoughts, the perspectives, and the narratives of someone else. What we may immediately react to as wholly unfounded is usually rooted in something, somewhere deep along the causal chain. If we can keep our judging and dismissing at bay long enough to allow wonder to work its magic, we just might find the key that unlocks the door to a resolution.

Managing Emotional Clients

By Colleen Byers • 06 Feb, 2024
Managing Emotional Clients Colleen L. Byers collaborated with fellow neuroscience geek and mediator, Chris Osborn, to deliver this month’s Expert Continuing Legal Education (CLE) Series sponsored by the North Carolina Bar Association. Colleen co-presented about the impact of trauma on clients in the legal system and shared some practical tools for managing difficult emotions within ourselves (as lawyers or as mediators) as well as with our clients. View the CLE, which includes 1 hour of Mental Health/Substance Abuse credit in North Carolina here .

How to Negotiate Around Impasse Through Brainstorming Options

By Colleen Byers • 31 Jan, 2024
You have been mediating and negotiating all day long. You are fully invested and can sometimes glimpse the fragile light at the end of the tunnel. Suddenly, all the momentum that has been slowly building all day seems to come to a screeching halt. How do you avoid crashing into an unbreakable impasse? First things first. Pause and take a deep breath. Then take another deep breath for good measure. Then get a sheet of paper and a pen. Along the left side of the paper, write the numbers 1 through 5. Now, with pen in hand, ask yourself these questions and write the responses next to numbers 1 through 5. What is the craziest idea I can think of to solve this problem? What is the second craziest idea I can think of to solve this problem? What is a variation of the other side’s idea that would work for me with an adjustment? What is another idea? What else might work? You have now generated five new possible ways to solve this problem that you can share with the other side to keep the negotiation moving forward and avoid running straight into an impasse. Let me give you a real-life example. My daughters were fighting over the most coveted seat on the couch. The older child asserted, “This is my spot. I always sit here.” The younger child claimed, “But I was here first today!” Unsurprisingly, their attempts to persuade the other to acquiesce were unsuccessful. They are not old enough to engage lawyers to determine who had the stronger legal claim to the coveted seat on the couch but they both came running to me pleading their respective cases in hopes that I would serve as the arbitrator. I declined to serve as an arbitrator but did put my mediator hat on. We all sat at the kitchen table with paper and pen to brainstorm possible solutions that would work for both of them. You may be wondering how I got my young children to do this. I told them that they could not watch any television until they found a solution to which they could both say yes. So down they sat with pen in hand. Using questions 1 through 5 above, as prompts, they generated the following ideas: Take turns – alternate days; Take turns – set a timer and then switch; Sit on top of each other; Build a fort on the couch for both of us. Then we went back through the list one by one, and I asked each child if they were a “yes” or a “no” for that particular idea. Here is what that looked like:
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